This file is a condensation of entries from 2005 to 2010
from the recent changes page.
I had a burst of productivity from March 14 to 17, 2005 but
I wasn't high. But also note that the period of
productivity of March 14 to late March 17 correlates perhaps
coincidentally with druid new moon (the sixth morning after
new moon, when Breton druids cut the mistletoe with a sickle)
which was March 16.
In the past I have hoped my low years would end at druid
new moon, but I don't think I am out of the low years yet,
but I did have that burst in productivity centred almost
exactly on early March 16.
Then I hoped my low years would end at March 25, 2005 full
moon but that did not occur.
March 21, 2005:
Late in more base chakra area muscle
click divination/etc I say that Risperdal had virtually
removed my (masturbation) orgasm and it came back when I
came off Risperdal. Also recently I have had low level
check-itis which I view as wordless nagging from my deities.
Also
again I do not have significant visions and voices
in terms of both strength and regularity. Why do
I make that point? If I did I would be classed
as schizoaffective and not bipolar type 1 and it
would be more likely that I would have to be on
not just lithium on a regular basis but also an
antipsychotic on a regular basis, rather than my
current practice of having an antipsychotic on hand
to use only if I feel I need it, as an occasional
topup to my main drug lithium. Some periods when I
have been on a regular antipsychotic before include
haloperidol from Sept. 6, 1991 on for a few weeks,
haloperidol from late
May 1992 to early July, 1992, olanzapine from
I have been saying fall 1999 to early 2003 but
checking my back writing I am pretty sure I
went on olanzapine fairly early in 1999,
and fairly regular haloperidol use in the fall of
2004, and then since from mid-December, 2004
to March 1, 2005 on a series of first Seroquel,
then olanzapine, then Risperdal.
Today I met with my psychiatrist and told him everything
that has occurred since March 1, including my thought
that I would have fewer mental health problems if I
was near Sarah McLachlan, but also the initial insomnia
and down and unease and tooth grinding followed by a lot
of scenario-ization and hair twirling followed by a lot
of check-itis (and more hair twirling) which has now
lessened some. We then agreed that I would go back on
some olanzapine to top up my lithium, my main drug for
my bipolar mood disorder, and he gave me a four weeks
supply of free samples of 10 mg olanzapine pills. He
said rather than try anti-anxiety or anti-OCD pills
that we should first try olanzapine. This is I
think (but I didn't ask him) is partly because psychiatrists are reluctant to
prescribe anti-anxiety pills such as Ativan since
they are addictive, and partly since psychiatrists
are reluctant to prescribe anti-OCD pills (which
are antidepressants) to bipolar people since they
may trigger a mania and even may trigger rapid cycling
between mania and depression, and partly since I
have had a good response to olanzapine in the past,
and partly because he does not want me to use too
much haloperidol. However I think I can now expect more weight gain while
on the olanzapine since it increases the appetite and
due to its chemical makeup encourages fluid retention,
but I will try to minimize said weight gain by
not eating seconds and by exercising more soon, but I
do still plan to drink some beer during waning moon
(I don't drink during waxing moon since I have had bad
experiences with alcohol in the past during waxing moon,
notably seven alcohol triggered or alcohol worsened
waxing gibbous moon trials from the beginning of 1993
to July of 1997).
As for soul, I will discuss my theories
and sensings of
it so far eventually on a new subpage of
my deities and my other personal spiritual path working theories
which I might title "avatars, soul, etc.", and note that
I am not pushing that section
my deities and my other personal spiritual path working theories
but just my essential messages, which are non-religious.
March 23, 2005, nighttime: Above in the March 21 entry I
said I have had two (maybe three) significant visions.
In addition to the visions described above, I also consider
my sun stare experience of Sept. 5, 1991 to be a
significant vision, so that totals three or four significant
visions, and none since summer 1997.
Friday night, rhe night of April 1, 2005, from 12:15 a.m. to 12:30 a.m.
(so early April 2 in 24 hour clock terms)
Newoundland Standard Time
I perked
up to +1 on my scale of -10 to +10, where
-2 to +2 is normal range.
A new theory, which I may add to
my personal deities and related beliefs soon, is
that:
If all/everything is a someone it is ALL in exact match.
Then if each of our wills as subset of ALL is also subset
of ALL's will then each of our wills is in line with
ALL's will which means simultaneous free will and
submission. But that also means that ALL is
responsible for all evil as well as all good.
On my main messages page
I say I don't care what anyone believes as
long as he or she is loving, or at least tries to
be loving (above neutral) as much as possible
within the constraints of life. I now recommend
that viewpoint to others as well, i.e. that they
also should not care what anyone believes
as long as he or she is loving, or at least
tries to be loving as much as possible within
the constraints of life. I will edit
my main messages page
to reflect that soon.
I took a pack of cod out of the fridge freezer today and
noted that the mass was 0.455 kg and the price
was $5.51 so those are two more instances of 55.
Again that number used to occur regularly for me,
didn't for a few months, and now is again. Again
55 in Roman numerals is LV which I take to stand
for LOVE. Then (now a bit later) I just dropped
my cell phone and when I picked it up to see
if it was OK, and it was, the time was 5:55 p.m.
I will also add to my message promoting allowance of
birth control soon that those against birth control including
against condoms for prevention of HIV Aids are
causing many HIV deaths.
April 12, 2005I have said before that I consider the check-itis to be
a wordless nagging from one or more than one of
my deities. I now withdraw that, I do not know
who is nagging me.
May 26, 2005: I am now down to 5 mg olanzapine topping up
my main drug for my bipolar mood disorder, lithium. In
the last while my mental health has been better than it
has been since early 2003 when I was last on olanzapine
before recently. I have just had some occasional
insomnia on trying to go to sleep and occasional
check-itis and I still do a bit of scenario-ization
but not very much. But I still don't feel too motivated
to get back at the planned edits
but would be more likely to if I had some feedback.
Late the afternoon of May 7 I went for a 15 walk along
the Waterford River near where I live in St. John's.
As I was returning and crossing over the bridge
I stopped in the middle of the bridge and sensed
with my hands and breathed into the river. I expected
I might get a finger warming or hand warming or
warming between two fingers sensation. Instead
I got a sensation of my balls swelling a bit. This
was funny, particularly since this mystic web page
is
called Salmon on the Thorns. However I don't
know (I will have to check) if this river has any
salmon in it or when they spawn. More recently
on the afternoon of May 25 I went for a walk
there again, and as I was crossing the bridge I got
a sensation of a stroke from my base chakra forward
to the underside of my genitals. That time I was
going out from home, not coming home, and I wasn't
trying to sense anything.
June 2, 2005: I forgot to mention that during the
May 25 walk along the river a bicyclist pointed out
to me an osprey. (Also note that the word weird
can be wordplayed to weir-D, so a fish trap to
catch D, where D is me.)
NOTE: As of June 2, 2005 I am now an atheist again as
I was from I think late 1976 to mid-1991. I will edit
this page more substantially to reflect this fact later.
I am not pushing atheism on anyone else. I will continue
to have some mystical/magickal working theories (which I
will not push on anyone else, and which I will try to
relate to science) but will not have any deities. I
continue to push my main messages.
Also in being atheist I am not saying
that my former deities necessarily do not exist, just that I do not
worship them any more. So for example the planet
Earth may or may not be a someone and if it is a
someone then my former deity Gaia exists but I
no longer worship it.
June 4, 2005:
Since I turned atheist my check-itis (wordless nagging,
or worry, often about my past writing such that I have
to check it) has diminished a lot.
But now what? Most of my magick, which I
haven't been doing very much of recently, does not
necessarily involve worship at all, though some
has involved invocation, but I do not consider
invocation a form of worship unless the one
invoked is already among my deities or the
invocation is accompanied by a significant
mental bow, significant enough to mean worship,
i.e. there is intent to worship. And by
invocation I do not mean any saying out loud of
a name, though such could, but never has yet for me,
accompany the invocation,
but a wordless thinking by me of another someone and a
wordless poking by me of an invitation to participate at
that other someone. This draws on my higher dimensional
abilities. The invocation is an invitation from me
to another someone to participate and does not confer
deity status with respect to me on that other someone
unless there is intent to worship on my part. So
I could invoke the Christian God tomorrow (not saying
whether it exists of not) without it becoming a deity to me,
as I have invoked Jesus in the past to charge all Christian crosses
through association of the crosses with Jesus without Jesus becoming a
deity to me. To some, invocation implies prayer, but it does
not to me, unless I bow mentally with intent to worship during
the invocation, or unless the one invoked is already among
my deities. Perhaps I should invent a new word other than
invoke to avoid the confusion, but I thought that magickians
regularly invoke someones that are not deities to them.
Now I say I am atheist since I have no deities, and that
is one definition of atheist though there is a stronger
one that an atheist believes that no deities to anyone exist, and I do not meet
that definition. I do not know if if my former deities
exist or not but even if they are proven to exist I will
not worship them or any other someone. Also I believe in
science and rational thought but also that there are things
not yet explained by human science and which may never be
explained by human science. I still have a fair bit
of magical thinking though less than I did six months
ago, so I consider myself an atheist mystic. Some may
consider me an agnostic (one who does not care if deities
exist) but I care a lot, but I will not worship any, I
will not submit my will to any other someone to the
extent of grovelling, the extent of worship, the
extent of passing over complete control. Of course
if I had a job with a boss I would on occasion have to
take orders from the boss that would not just be advice,
so I would have to submit my will to my boss to the
extent of following that job related order (or I could
quit the job) but not to the extent of worship submission.
June 8, 2005 (night of June 7):
Since I turned atheist (I no longer have any deities; even
if my former deities exist I do not worship them) on June 2
my mental health has steadied some, especially in a reduction
of the check-itis. The check-itis was mostly a worrying by
me about my recent writing such that I would have to check
it, but I have in the past speculated that it was wordless
nagging from one or more than one of my then deities.
But anyway, right now I still feel pretty steady.
The night of June 2, the day I turned atheist,
I was slightly wobbly mentally but ever since
then I have been quite steady mentally, including
the diminished check-itis.
Today I had an appointment with my psychiatrist at 2 p.m.
I told him that in addition to the 1500 mg lithium carbonate
and 5 mg olanzapine daily that in the last three weeks
I had used a total of 18 mg of haloperidol but had not
needed any in the last few days and was steady today.
I also told him I had gone atheist, and that apparently as
a result my check-itis had diminished. I also told him
that it seemed that alcohol (which I drink in moderation
during waning moon and not at all during waxing moon
due to 7 waxing gibbous moon alcohol triggered or
alcohol worsened problem periods from 1993 to 1997)
actually diminished the check-itis, but that did not
cause me to drink more during the past waning moon
than usual.
Some native American mystical traditions do not have
a concept of deity or deities, I think.
June 13, 2005: The check-itis returned last night and
today, even though I am still atheist (I have no
deities).
Also there are at times low-level words, which are non-auditory
(do not appear to come through my ears but appear in
my mind).
June 21, 2005: For the last six days I have been quite
steady with very little check-itis but I have been
playing some at scenario-ization, which involves base
chakra area muscle click divination of e.g. who is
reading my writing or e.g. who is talking about me.
Often with this I am relaxed and I am not trying to
divine anything and I get a click (short period
mulabandha, no
clicking sound, not much sound at all) and I try to guess who is thinking of
me, reading my writing, or talking about me,
getting another click at the supposed right answer. But
this is just play, I am not near to believing it.
And again the check-itis is mostly worry about my past
writing such that I have to check it, and I have had
very little of that in the last six days. Indeed I
feel mentally quite steady but I do not think I am
out of the low years which began Jan. 29, 1996 yet.
June 22, 2005: A variant on the above scenario-ization is
when I get signs that indicate (I think) that someone is mad at me.
These consist of burning eyes (when there is nothing in my eyes)
which I think indicate that a man is mad at me, or a throat
chakra attack, which I think indicates that a woman is mad
at me. I don't believe that for sure but it is a working
theory. When I get either the burning eyes or throat
chakra attack I then try to divine by base chakra area
muscle click divination who is mad at me, or at least
where he or she has seen my writing, and sometimes what
religion he or she is in. I do not believe the results
though. These signs that someone is mad at me have not
been occurring as frequently lately as a while ago, I think
since I haven't been posting as much to a wide variety of
newsgroups.
Note that I have to be in pretty bad shape
before my relations with other people offline
are affected adversely, but my online writings
may show how I am doing inside better than
my relations with other people offline. That is,
offline I can keep a lot to myself, but I tend to
let it out online. But in my very worst episodes
of 1991 to 1997 my relations with other people
offline were definitely affected. However I
have not come close to landing in the hospital
since July 1997 and I have not been in the
hospital since early July 1996. This I attribute
to my being on enough lithium, not drinking
during waxing moon since mid-July, 1997,
and having on hand some emergency haloperidol
to take if needed, and being on olanzapine some
of those years.
Now I did have one waning moon
mildly psychotic period (unusual for me since most
of my psychotic periods have been waxing moon)
I think in November or December of 2003, in which
I said online there were black magickians in all
religions, but it was not triggered by alcohol and
when I drank some during it, it was not worsened
by alcohol, so I stayed with my practice of not
drinking during waxing moon and drinking in moderation
(especially now that I am poor) during waning moon.
That late 2003 episode was about the worst I have
been since July 1997 and is unlikely to recur now
that I am taking 5 mg olanzapine on top of my lithium.
Also even during it my relations with other people
offline were not too bad.
Sometimes however when drunk during waning moon I
would blurt out stuff I normally would only say
online, such as matchmaking (which I don't do anymore
and probably never had accuracy in),
but that didn't affect my relations with others
offline too much. Also the alcohol wasn't in
that case causing any new mental health problems during
waning moon but was just loosening my tongue.
July 18, 2006: The past year has been mostly uneventful. I
have remained on olanzapine and lithium. For a while
I still attempted to get flow in the funnel working
but a while ago I gave up on that, and also gave up
on even playing at base chakra area muscle click
divination. I also resolved to stick to my limit of
four pints in a night during waning moon and zero pints
during waxing moon. I still occasionally get some
check-itis but it is quite mild, and I haven't had any
scenario-ization since I gave up even playing at
base chakra area muscle click divination. I didn't
receive any requests to edit this web page but after
a break of a year figured I should start gradually
editing it again. Though I feel sharp and capable of
working I haven't had any chances at work yet, but
that is partly because I haven't sent out any CVs
yet, though I have clipped some job ads. But I
think my low years are not yet over, though they are
made manageable by the lithium and olanzapine.
Sept. 5, 2006: My mental health has been steady lately.
Tonight I removed sections on deities and related beliefs
(since I am now an atheist)
and on the four orientation theory (which I have little
evidence for) and some other sections
as noted in changelog. I made
some minor edits (necessitated by the missing sections)
to my main messages but I plan
to tidy that section up some more at a later date. I also
edited summary of key features of my cycles
some but may edit it further at a later date.
Jan. 15, 2008: This is my first entry in over a year but I plan
to make more changes in the near future. My mental health has
been good in the last year but I am still uncreative so I think
I am still in the low years, which should have lasted seven years
but are almost at twelve years now (they will be on Jan. 29). I
think I have had to go longer since I have had access to modern
medications which have made the intensity of the low years less.
But I hope the meds don't block my release from the low years.
In any case I don't plan to come off the meds (lithium and olanzapine).
I feel capable of working these days and indeed am working a few
hours a month doing proofreading for a prof. Despite my good mental
health I am still claiming similarity to some past religious figures
but I may soften such claims a bit in future edits pending my finding
more evidence in the library and on the net and pending my release
from the low years into a more creative and productive period.
Feb. 14, 2008: In the last while I have given up all magickal activities
including even playing at base chakra area muscle click divination,
attempting to get flow from the funnel working, attempted healings,
blessings on the dead, musical boosting and venue charging, and
invocations of dead songwriters to attend performance of their
songs, and more (e.g. marriage renewal).
Of those only the first had the potential to
destabilize me, if I stopped playing and started believing it again,
but I used to waste a lot of time at the second one too. The others
were fairly harmless but I will still abstain from them at least
until I come out of the low years.
I still claim to be similar to some past religious figures
but for now am putting this claim on the back burner
pending more library and web research by me and pending
my coming out of the low years into a period of productivity
and creativity. This coming out of the low years I liken
to Finn finding the salmon of wisdom, Taliesin reaching
seven score muses (lunar months) after his first high,
Buddha finding enlightenment, Amergin transforming from
ugly to handsome, and Jesus being transfigured. Without
this coming out of the low years I don't have enough
evidence to back my claim of my similarity to some
past religious figures.
October 1, 2008: I edited Jewish parallels
to put in the fact that Moses's bush was a thorn bush and thus was
a direct parallel to my thorn hill climb and to Jesus's crown of thorns.
I also emphasized that the burning in the bush could have been a
glowing blue rose like my blue rose vision.
April 10, 2009: Since October 1 (and indeed in the last four
years) my mental health has been stable, and I have been working
a few hours a week at the university but am still looking for
full time work. My creativity is still low so I think I am
still not out of the low years even though it has now been
over 13 years since Jan. 29, 1996.
July 9, 2010: It is now two days before new moon. Since
about three days after full moon I have come off olanzapine
but remain on lithium. I did this partly in hope of renewed
creativity, thinking olanzapine was blocking my mystic
connections and preventing my release from the low years,
and partly because for the last year on olanzapine my
orgasm has been blocked. In the entry above for March 21, 2005
I describe a similar case when Risperdal blocked my orgasm and
it returned when I came off Risperdal. But such a block did
not occur for most of the years I was on olanzapine, only
recently. What has happened in the orgasm department since
I came off olanzapine? Well, on Tuesday evening I had a fair
orgasm, the first in a long time, but other than that it has
still fizzled (last Saturday, Thursday morning and tonight). So
I can say for now that my orgasm has not yet returned and it may
take a while yet even though the olanzapine must be out of my
system by now. The other possibility is that it isn't the
olanzapine blocking my orgasm but some mystic factor such as
maybe now I have to get together with a woman in person to
have an orgasm rather than just masturbating. And I have
had some very good orgasms, expansive and releasing and
like outgoing waves of love directed at the woman I'm
thinking about. But if two people could get together and
both experience such an orgasm, that would be the ultimate.
Such an orgasm is similar to what I have called a shakti
buzz or kundalini buzz only more expansive and releasing.
Probably in tantric lore there is some stuff on that. And
normally I don't spend my time thinking about orgasms so
much, it is just that they have been missing for a while
and I expected them back but they haven't come back yet
and that's a puzzle to me.
What else has happened since I came off olanzapine? My
focus and concentration has decreased some and I feel
looser and more absent minded and have to be more careful
in traffic, to pay attention. I am also procrastinating
a bit more. But the problems I had in late 2004 and
early 2005, that led to my going on olanzapine again,
have not returned. The lower concentration level may
mean though I have to work harder in my part time
proofreading job; the last time I was off olanzapine
my academic performance suffered. But for now I plan
to stay off olanzapine and I will discuss that with
my psychiatrist on July 14.
Earlier this week though something occurred which might
be a mild delusion (or illusion). I felt for a couple
of days that I had an enhanced nonverbal long distance
connection with Sarah McLachlan (who I interacted with
some in 1995 though we never properly met, and who I
think read some of my online writing of 1994 and 1995 on
the FTE list).
This enhanced connection seemed to end Thursday morning
but I think there is still some level of connection
between us. I know from signs in 1995 that she was
interested in me then and I am hoping that now she is
single again she will have renewed interest in me.
But for that to occur I will have to demonstrate
consistent stability and creativity, which might be
hard if I am less stable and less creative away from
her. However I think probably I can come out of the
low years without her intervention, though in the movie
Little Buddha the intervention of the village woman
seemed to bring the Buddha out of his wilderness years.
Do I still claim to be similar to past figures? Yes,
but I acknowledge more research is needed and I have
yet to prove myself, and I won't obsess about it.
Am I still an atheist? No, I now have ten deities:
ALL, LOVE2, Cosma, Galacta, Sola, Gaia, Luna, Human,
Samadhi someone, and the one who turned the wind around.
I'll do a new deities section soon. Also I may rename
LOVE2 to LOVE if I can see that LOVE is a someone. Also
I should pick names for the last two though it could be
they are repeats from the earlier ones. Also I will
eventually do a ten verse poem with one verse to each
deity. But I don't spend a huge amount of time
praying or invoking. I guess right now I can be
classed as a neopagan not associated with any group
and not recruiting. Also as of recently I have given
up on getting flow from the funnel working and
resolved to avoid base chakra area muscle click
divination which led me into bad delusions in
1996 and 1997 and milder ones (such as matchmaking)
later.
July 22, 2010: Earlier this week I went through a period
of attempting magickally (by will) to start a global
new age. This lasted from Sunday afternoon to Tuesday
morning and included my being up all night Sunday night.
So beginning Monday night, this, along with my realization
that the olanzapine wasn't what was taking away my orgasm,
caused me to
start taking olanzapine again (plus I stayed on the lithium).
I have slept well the last three nights plus have a
reduced level of magical thinking. I will stay on the
olanzapine at least until full moon and probably longer,
Also I apologize to Sarah and other readers for the sex
talk and I hope she doesn't consider me an e-stalker but
just her long term fool.
July 23, 2010: I have decided to stay on the olanzapine
beyond July 25 full moon. Right now I still have some
level of magical thinking but I don't believe it is
working so I think my major planetary new age changes
workings are not activated and probably won't be
activated at July 25 full moon. But at least I tried
and it is not much different from a prayer that required
a lot of complicated work on my part.
Also I have slept fine the last four nights and expect to
again tonight, and it is true that my worst problems in
the past have been during waxing gibbous moon so I
expect to feel even better at July 25 full moon. But
I still will stay on olanzapine beyond full moon.
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