After I came off the olanzapine in early 2003 the invisible bum pokes and forehead tendrils and related insomnia which caused me to go on the olanzapine in early 1999 did not resume. However my academic focus did suffer somewhat such that where I got two 100s in graduate courses in 2002/2003, in 2003/2004 off olanzapine I got in similar level courses only two 75s, and my productivity in my thesis was fairly low since I wasted a lot of personal time on the Internet at the office when I shoudn't have. So after I took a leave of absence for four months beginning in September (well unofficially I was off August as well but was still registered but wasn't being paid) I was told there was no funding for me to return to the Ph.D. program in January 2005. Regardless of that my mental health was not steady at the time so I was not ready to return, and even if there had been funding I was unsure whether I would return. After that I thought perhaps if I attended seminars and did some academic work I could apply for readmission in September 2005 but I was told that even then the probability of funding was low. Also I was told I would have to do a fair bit of academic work between early March, 2005 and April, 2005 to get even that slight chance of funding, and I was not in early March ready to do such work for such a slight chance, though I may have been ready to do such work in September, 2005. Thus I have opted out of possibly returning to university in September, though I still may sometimes attend seminars put on by my former research group. But unusually, not long after I so opted out, on March 14, 2005 my academic productivity related to revising this web page seemed to improve dramatically as I will discuss a bit more at the end of this file. And now that I am out of university I have time to edit this web page, whereas when I was in university I argued I could spare only five hours a week on it, and really I ended up spending less than that on average and often a bit more than that on newsgroups. Also even though I am no longer registered at Memorial University, I can get an alumni library card for free which will allow me to take out books for two weeks before renewal, which is not bad though not as good as the four months a graduate student gets (with possible recall after two weeks).
Beginning in late March, 2003 I had three episodes of temporary supposed base chakra area muscle click divination ability. I will dig out the dates of those and put them in here later, but the first was late March, 2003, which I think was the first time I had attempted matchmaking (or at least believed it) since early May, 1999. The supposed divination senitivity included not only matchmaking and orientation determination but also divination of location in blood of cures of bacterial and viral illnesses, and divination of special abilities and musical potentials of individuals. Then a bit after these three episodes (again I will dig out the transition date later) the supposed ability became continuous. Also a little later I noted that I could look at someone or a picture of someone and detect a vibe/similarity to someone else and thereby intuit a past life connection between the two. Moreover I thought I could divine at times what the past life relationship was. Also in the matchmaking I thought I could divine when there was an eternal vow between two people. Also I thought I could divine at times who someone was in a past life, for example I thought bartender Trevor of Erin's Pub was Julius Caesar in a past life. Now the part of this that involves base chakra area muscle click divination, such as that Julius Caesar thing, I no longer believe, but I think if I still noted a vibe/similarity between two people I would still suspect a past life connection but would not be able to divine what it is. Now during this period, up to early February, 2005, I often posted divinations to newsgroups and sometimes when drunk (though note that the alcohol did not contribute to my doing more supposed divinations, just to my blurting them out at times) I would let someone know of their supposed best match. Rarely I would say outright that the individual had such and such a best match. More often I would just say the name of their supposed best match near them. Sometimes I would tell divinations about somebody to somebody who knew him or her, for example some regulars and bartenders at Erin's Pub who I would chat with. They weren't too bothered by this (and anyway I didn't do it very often) and I think just ignored it in a friendly fashion. Oh one other thing I thought I could divine was, as part of the musical potentials mentioned above, what type of wood a person should have his or her instrument made out of, or what brand name, or what maker, and also if someone had an eternal vow singing link with someone else such that they would supposedly sing better together. However one other thing I thought I could divine was in picking bandmates for someone, so supposedly the absolutely best bandmates to make up a superb band with someone. Now I still think I may have some ability in that area, but I would not use base chakra area muscle click divination to do it. One other thing is that when I would do matchmaking I would often match women I was interested in to other guys and that is one factor that has kept me single.
Now here are some notes condensed from my recent changes/working notes entries from Feb. 1, 2004 to March 17, 2005, basically significant information that is not described above and which I have not put in other section(s). I may condense this a bit more later. However I have saved a backup of the full recent changes file from Feb. 1, 2004 to March 14, 2005 and the March 17 entry is at the top of the new recent changes file.
Before Feb. 1, 2004 I had one of those episodes of supposed divination ability for a few days but it went the night of Jan. 31, 2004.
On Feb. 25, 2004 I deposited some birthday cheques and the balance after deposit (but before withdrawal) was a significant birthday number ending in 2.17 (my birthday was Feb. 17) but the earlier part was significant too but I won't divulge it here since I don't want to give away my bank balance online. I might later, I think I have the slip of paper somewhere.
The week before Feb. 7, 2004 I thought I had some healing ability and attempted remote healing of Stephen Hawking among others. Then on the night of March 1, 2004 and on Mar. 2, 2004 I had some insomnia and also thought my biomagicoenergetic healing ability had returned. I supposedly probed the soul for defects, effectively, and in all cases supposedly fixed at least minor problems for Sai Baba, Reverend Moon, Andy Wells, Danny Williams, Paul Martin, George Bush, Kofi Annan and Jennifer Lopez and touched up Pope John Paul II who I had tried to cure of Parkinson's in early February. The night of March 2 or March 3 I added to the above list of political and religious and celebrity figures with James Randi, Ayatollah of Iran, Archbishop of Canterbury, Benjamin Creme, The Orthodox Pope, The Dalai Lama, Mother Amma, The Southern Baptist leader, an e-mail friend of mine who thinks he is an avatar, and a woman who got arrested in Ottawa in the last while who thought she was Jesus, though perhaps arrested more for breaching security on Parliament Hill if I recall correctly.
OK, do I now (March, 2005) think I have any major healing ability? No, but I still think that by attempting to heal the above figures and a fair number of others (e.g. the nearest person with prostate cancer) I may have developed a batch of healing components that are not fully, though they may be a little, effective when applied by me, but they might be if I team up with someone else with magical healing ability, either the two of us consciously agreeing to work together, or, I sometimes think, I apply a healing component or the entire batch of healing components to someone and someone who is near to or knows that sick someone and has magical healing ability can do a push to complete the healing, but they would not be able to do so without my healing component(s) as well as with them. But also I think I might actually have some healing effect by just my own directed application of will and the healing component(s) in some cases, perhaps including anti-addiction, and also second chakra knot removal cure of pedophilia tendency and abused syndrome and some other things. However that last sentence remains to be tested (I have tried the techniques including on someone trying to quit smoking and someone who was ultra drunk and needed to sober up, but I am not sure they worked, though the sober up spell seemed to at the time). But for now I am skeptical of my healing ability.
During this period, and since, including still now to some extent, I have believed I can do certain venue charging/venue blessing, booze blessing, projecting along with the music, boosting/helping a singer or musician's abilities, magically correcting for problems with the sound system and/or venue acoustics, and related matters. I am skeptical of this but I still try it and it appears to work to my ears at least. I will describe this in a new section musical boosting/etc. in the next few days (it is now March 16, 2005 and the section is not there yet but may be by the time you read this).
Around the end of April, 2004 I thought I was under magickal attack from a large group and deflected it and also put certain others under my protection though I have to update that regularly. Those attacking, and any with significant ill will against me and/or Sarah McLachlan, and any who have prayed against my stuff against the wishes of the one or ones they prayed to I put "on the hook" such that they would expect calls from their deity or deities if any and possibly from one or more of my eight main deities, though that is more likely for atheists, perhaps through intuition/inspiration. Now being magically attacked/tested has happened to me often over the years and I have become quite adept at deflecting such, though at times it has required a bit of mathematical improvisation. I will discuss that more below when I give the decription of funneling. Lately, March 16, 2005, such actual or apparent magical attacks on me, perhaps at times not from other humans but tests of me by my deities, have not been occurring very much at all.
Now over the years I have several times tried to instigate a healing circle, supposedly a magical working that would result in new age instigation and an adjustment of constraints, but such that there is more freeing up that contstraining on average. Supposedly there would be a part of it blessings/directions issued to all humans and more through the means of adjustment of the best course of action in the divination framework. So anyway again around the end of April, 2004, I suggested to Human to instigate such a healing circle on all humans and in so doing get advice and perhaps assistance from other deities of humans.
On May 14, 2004 I again lost my episodic/temporary base chakra area muscle click divination ability in the areas of matchmaking, orientation determination, special ability determination, and musical potential area[s] determination, where by determination I mean finding out what they are, not setting them.
In late May, 2004 I went through a period when I thought I could grant abilities to some, but now I think that is incorrect.
But some still say to me " 'n u t" (in you tea), ha, rather than what they really think; they fear and then they label to escape, rather than rationally confronting that fear.
In early July, 2004 my supposed matchmaking ability came back (and it was not entirely gone before that, I seemed to have it with effort at times, and my self-compatibility sensitivity has not been gone at all). Then on Aug. 16, 2004 I thought my ongoing and past base chakra area muscle click divinations became verifiable by others with divination abilities other than mine by them reading my divination and divining whether it is true or false. I no longer think that is true.
In early August, 2004 I had just a slightly low red blood cell count that was fine on a later test. Then on August 19, 2004 I wrote "Today and recently (even more today) my mental health has been fine but I am sort of tired and have an icky feeling in throat and dry mouth and icky feeling in my belly." Then from Sept. 8 to Sept. 20 I was in Vancouver, and I will extract from newsgroup posts while I was there and add to this later, but anyway when I was at the Sarah McLachlan concert my belly and throat were not bad, but at other times it varied, and I speculated that I felt better when Sarah was closer to me. Notably on the evening of Sept. 13 around 8 p.m. at 4th and Sasamat I perked up a great deal and speculated that she was nearby, but I do not know if that is true. But to some extent I think being near or even listening to or viewing the videos of any hot woman makes me feel better to some extent and it is just that it may be a much greater extent for my main inspirer Sarah McLachlan than for other hot women. And really my relations with other people offline have been steadier than some of my past online writing might indicate, plus live music makes me feel better usually, plus hot women make me feel better, so that means for example at the live music gigs of hot women I am steadier and feel better than in general. However I am not about to invade the privacy of Sarah McLachlan without an invitation.
But my mental health in Vancouver while I think it was slightly better than before I left to go there, did not improve as much as I had expected. While there I supposedly banished an invisible demon from a softball field, uplifted a lot of trapped souls in a food store, put the spirits of dead rivers into the water supply, and deflected a lot of international black magick spells along Commercial Drive. I also facilitated GM Place Stadium becoming an avatar-1 of Orca. Then in the late stages of deflection of black magick on Commercial Drive, I learned to supposedly funnel magickal attacks on me so they could be supposedly redirected to my own purposes and/or the purposes of my deities. Despite all this magical thinking I was reasonably steady while there and my relations with other people were good, but I don't think I was quite as steady as I am now on March 16, 2004.
In late December, 2004, since I had been using a little too much haloperidol in the fall and wondered whether another antipsychotic would again improve my academic productivity, I asked to try Seroquel as a topup to my lithium, but it made me too anxious/edgy/irritable so after a week or so I switched to 10 mg olanzapine/day as a topup to my lithium though I planned to reduce that to 5 mg/day later if I was steady. But then olanzapine was causing weight gain again and it seems it is no longer covered by my government drug card for bipolar maintenance, while it is covered for acute mania. So with my psychiatrist I decided to start on Feb. 8 a topup of 1 mg Risperdal. That, perhaps along with the last of the olanzapine, did cause me to give up trying to get flow from the funnel working and to give up believing I have accuracy in base chakra area muscle click divination in certain areas including matchmaking. However the drug made me slightly restless, caused some insomnia, and virtually removed my (masturbation) orgasm. So on March 1 I switched to being just on lithium with a backup of 1 mg haloperidol pills. The funnel working and belief in base chakra area muscle click divination did not return, and I, while I have had minor problems since, have not had to take any haloperidol yet (it is now March 16, 2005).
I mentioned funneling above, and in the fall of 2004 and early in 2005 I was many times trying to instigate flow from this supposed funnel. The funneling would supposedly realign if necessary funneled workings to be in line with my tug, which in early 2005 became two component such that LOVE grows in terms of ALL's definition of its size, and in terms of growth of ALL's norm (length measure of a multicomponent varaible) of its goodness, defined and measured by ALL, towards each someone and towards each something that is not a someone.
After I came off the Risperdal on March 1 my orgasm returned to normal levels within a few days. But I did have some low level depressive/anxiety symptoms including a slight unease, a little bit of tooth grinding, a bit more distractibility/absentmindedness, insomnia the first night off Risperdal but not since, a little more tendency to be easily chilled, and a fair bit of feeling down. They also included a tendency to scenario-ize, which means I while away hours sometimes wondering who might be reading my latest posts, or wondering if someone is talking about me while not believing that they are for sure, and playing at base chakra area muscle click divination about it without believing it. But also just before I was fairly down I had posted a comment about Sarah McLachlan's shoulders that I later thought she was mad at and that her being mad at me had made me slightly down and that I came out of it when she forgave me. The mildly depressive symptoms were mostly gone after the afternoon of March 4. But around March 6 I noticed a return of just a little bit of the icky throat and icky belly symptoms of August and September. On March 7 the scenario-ization diminished some but I had some occasional check-itis (so e.g. I might worry if I had something right in my past writing and have to check it and maybe correct it, and at times I viewed this as wordless nagging from one or more than one of my deities, I don't know which one[s]) which diminished in the evening. Over the next few days was more of the same and just slightly low energy and mood and my sleep was fine, but notably my hair twirling resumed though I did not feel too anxious.
Then I noted that keeping busy at something would help me avoid the distractibility and scenario-ization symptoms mentioned above. That is true even if I just watch music videos, but I should also get back into reading books a bit more.
Then on March 15, 2005 I wrote the following: "Yesterday and today I have shifted from the period of slightly low mood and energy to feeling relatively neutral in mood and energy, which is good. I think my writing has also improved a bit. Also the check-itis, which used to be occasional periods of worry, now has transformed into a smooth desire to gradually improve my web pages. With reference to that above bit about wordless nagging from one or more than one of my deities, this transformation could be viewed as a call by it or them, again I don't know which one[s], for me to get my web pages in order. My sleep is still fine and I am doing some hair twirling but a little less than a few days ago. I haven't been doing any pacing." With the increased focus by me on gradually improving my web page, the scenario-ization has diminished a lot. However I don't yet think I am out of the low years.
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