The entries in this file from Feb. 1, 2004 to March 14, 2005 have been summarized in the mystic bio subsection more base chakra area muscle click divination/etc along with a little additional writing including some on 2003.
From the March 14, 2005 entry: My current plans are to take at least two more weeks from now to recharge and then to start looking for volunteer work, part-time work, or full-time work. I also plan to eventually edit this web page to fix typos, pick up any HTML coding errors, reduce rambling, and polish the writing in general, though I don't expect to change the content much. I also need to do a bit more library work to bolster my academic claim to similarity to past figures, but I don't plan to do that until spring weather arrives to Newfoundland and I feel better about walking up to the university library once or twice a week. Also note that I have had very little feedback to this web page and would appreciate some.
March 17, 2005: On March 15 I wrote the following: "Yesterday and today I have shifted from the period of slightly low mood and energy to feeling relatively neutral in mood and energy, which is good. I think my writing has also improved a bit. Also the check-itis, which used to be occasional periods of worry, now has transformed into a smooth desire to gradually improve my web pages. My sleep is still fine and I am doing some hair twirling but a little less than a few days ago. I haven't been doing any pacing." That state of affairs has continued, with a fairly steady but not too stressing or obsessive desire to gradually improve my web pages. As a result of the increased focus on the web pages, which I have more time to edit now that I am out of university, the scenario-ization has diminished a lot. But I don't think I am out of the low years yet.
Since I may soon be looking for a volunteer or part-time or full-time job and don't want all info on my past cycles available to prospective employers who may visit my home page I have removed the Salmon on the Thorns link from my home page and also removed most references to manic depression and magic from my curriculum vitae and soundtech/related experience files on that home page (but the curriculum vitae still contains references to my volunteering as faciliator of a mood disorder peer support group and my hobby interest into relating mood and mythology, so it is still evident that I have a mood disorder, and I would be of course willing to discuss that in an employment interview). So now this Salmon on the Thorns web page is available only to those who know the full URL of it and/or stumble on it with a search engine. But that was also the state of affairs a few years ago, it wasn't always listed on my home page.
Also since and including March 14, 2005 I have made substantial changes to this web page, with the changed files listed in Changelog. Futhermore in the next week or two I plan more edits which I have listed in Planned Edits. Once I have most of the sections tidied up I will post some newsgroup posts announcing that I have made significant changes, but I don't expect too many new hits on this web page before then.
March 18, 2005: I said above that the check-itis transformed into a smooth desire to improve my web pages and resultant increased productivity, but late last night and today it seems I am done with that smooth deisre and back to intermittent check-itis involving my worrying about and having to check my past writing to see if I wrote it correctly, which I almost invariably find out I have. So perhaps only a burst of productivity was required of me for now, though I do plan to at a more leisurely pace get on to the planned edits. Also yesterday I posted at 1:21 p.m. to a newsgroup that I wouldn't do more edits from then on yesterday (some of the March 17 entries in the Changelog were done late the night of March 16, but early March 17 in 24 hour clock terms) but then later I ended up doing some anyway and didn't go out to hear live St. Patrick's Day music. So my burst of productivity (but I wasn't high) seems to have lasted from sometime on March 14 to late on March 17, and in that period I improved the content significantly I think. Some of the remaining planned edits involve editing of existing sections that I am reasonably happy with the content of and just need to improve the writing of. I'm feeling just slightly stressed now and have been on the computer a lot in last few days so I plan not to be on much the rest of today though perhaps the check-itis will cause me to make a few more edits later. But also note that the period of productivity of March 14 to late March 17 correlates perhaps coincidentally with druid new moon (the sixth morning after new moon, when Breton druids cut the mistletoe with a sickle) which was March 16. In the past I have hoped my low years would end at druid new moon, but I don't think I am out of the low years yet, but I did have that burst in productivity centred almost exactly on early March 16. Now I also hope the lines
I took from my pocket ten sovereigns bright
and the landlady's eyes opened wide with delight.
from the Irish drinking song Wild Rover mean that my low years will end at March 25 full moon. I think that since I associate the closed eye with new moon and the fully open eye with full moon, so when the landlady's eyes open wide with delight that is full moon. This I also relate to the Newfoundland song (probably of British origin) Sarah which has the lines
Sarah, Sarah, won't you come out tonight
Sarah, Sarah, the moon is shining bright
In the song Sarah's mother kicks the guy all around the shop but then eventually lets him marry Sarah. That kicking around the shop I relate to my low years.
I also relate the coming full moon to the full moon scene in the movie Latcho Drom, which I discuss some in Romany paganism. Also in Buddhist parallels it says in some traditions the Buddha achieved enlightenment at first quarter (which I relate to the first quarter of March 17, during my recent burst of productivity), and in some traditions he achieved enlightenment at full moon (which I relate to my hope that I will come out of the low years at March 25 full moon).
Also note that that March 25 full moon, the first full moon of spring, is closely associated with Christian Easter Sunday, which is the first Sunday after said full moon, so this year that full moon falls on Good Friday. But also this year March 25 full moon falls on the Jewish holiday of Purim, celebrating the Deliverance of the Jews as described in the Book of Esther, which is a time of celebration and feasting.
9:22 p.m.: Even though I just have low level symptoms, mainly the intermittent check-itis, I decided to take 2 mg of haloperidol about ten minutes ago and will report tomorrow on how it worked.
March 20, 2005: The haloperidol helped a little but a still had a fair bit of check-itis the morning and early afternoon of March 19 so I took one of my two remaining 10 mg olanzapine pills. That seemed to help a good bit but it was partly because it caused me to sleep a fair bit the rest of March 19. Check-itis was resuming early this afternoon so I took my remaining olanzapine pill. But then after that, until my psychiatrist's appointment on Tuesday, I will be limited to haloperidol (and of course my main drug lithium for my bipolar mood disorder) since I do not want to take any of my remaining Risperdal or Seroquel due to problems described late in the more base chakra area muscle click divination/etc file. And really the check-itis is not a big problem, just a nuisance, and I can tough it out if I have to. However I will bring it up with my psychiatrist on Tuesday and perhaps he will suggest a drug other than an antipsychotic with which to top up my lithium (right now I am prescribed just lithium on a regular basis but also some 1 mg haloperidol pills to take only if I feel they are needed and only to a maximum of 2 mg a day) and deal with the check-itis. By then I should also know if 2 mg haloperidol helps the check-itis. But I still think my low level problems including check-itis would diminish or disappear if I was near Sarah McLachlan in some capacity, not necessarily that of lover, but I do not intend to invade her privacy without an invitation.
March 21, 2005: Late in more base chakra area muscle click divination/etc I say that Risperdal had virtually removed my (masturbation) orgasm, and that my orgasm had returned to normal strength within a few days of my coming off Risperdal. In the original version of that, in a previous version of this recent changes file, I had left out the fact that it was masturbation orgasm. Also in more base chakra area muscle click divination/etc I say that I view the check-itis as a wordless nagging from one or more than one of my deities, I don't know which one[s]. Some instances where I view it actually as such nagging are, first, where I left out the fact it was masturbation orgasm and I was nagged wordlessly (by having a worry instigated about it) to put in the fact that it was masturbation orgasm and that I still have not had sex since April, 1986, but have been involuntarily celibate except for masturbation. This is related to my notes on allowance of masturbation and dropping of laws against masturbation on UN/derived messages. Another instance is where on soc.support.depression.manic early on March 10 I posted I do not have signicant voices and visions and on March 11 I was nagged wordlessly to post, and I did, that I meant signicant in both strength and regularity, and that I do at times have very low level voices but none of my messages, including the extinction reel, came from such low level voices, and that I have had two (maybe three) significant to me visions, the blue rose vision of early Sept. 6, 1991 and the dancing sky vagina/lily of the valley/dove vision of July 13, 1997 (which I may or may not have, I don't remember for sure, seen again in slightly smaller slightly dimmer form two or three weeks later). And actually I thought that July 13 was July 16, but will have to check my paper files, but dancing sky vagina says July 13, but perhaps it was hacked. Even if it was July 13, it was the night of July 13, and full moon that month was July 20 at 0320 UTC which was 12:50 a.m. the night of July 19 in Newfoundland and the incident was 6 days before full moon, so early in waxing gibbous moon. Now above in this file I say "intermittent check-itis involving my worrying about and having to check my past writing to see if I wrote it correctly, which I almost invariably find out I have." Well in such cases there have been a few cases where I find I have something to edit, like a typo, in the bit I am checking, and other cases where I find a nearby paragraph that I find something to edit in, though not in the paragraph that I was worried about. But in a lot of cases I have found nothing to edit. But I still think it is wordless nagging by one or more than one of my deities, and in the cases where I find nothing to edit it is just a test or trial of me by it or them and such that as long as I have the check-itis I feel like I have to try to avoid giving in to it and instead of it resulting in increased productivity it results in reduced writing productivity. But also I was wordlessly nagged to put in this paragraph including mentions of the masturbation check-itis again and of the rare past visions check-itis incident. (At times there are low level words to accompany the wordless worry/nagging, but not always, and it may be that I am making them up, and the wordless worry/nagging is the main component. Also sometimes I get a base chakra area muscle click to accompany the wordless worry/nagging and/or the rarer low level words.)
As for how the olanzapine of the last two days and the haloperidol of last night and three nights ago have helped me avoid the check-itis, they have helped a little but not a lot. I will try the haloperidol again tonight and have an appointment with my psychiatrist early tomorrow afternoon and discuss alternatives with him. It could be that a short term anti-anxiety drug may be in order but I doubt he will prescribe an antidepressant since that could cause me to go too high and might even trigger rapid cycling between depression and mania. Also again I do not have significant visions and voices in terms of both strength and regularity. Why do I make that point? If I did I would be classed as schizoaffective and not bipolar type 1 and it would be more likely that I would have to be on not just lithium on a regular basis but also an antipsychotic on a regular basis, rather than my current practice of having an antipsychotic on hand to use only if I feel I need it, as an occasional topup to my main drug lithium. Some periods when I have been on a regular antipsychotic before include haloperidol from Sept. 6, 1991 on for a few weeks, haloperidol from late May 1992 to early July, 1992, olanzapine from I have been saying fall 1999 to early 2003 but checking my back writing I am pretty sure I went on olanzapine fairly early in 1999, and fairly regular haloperidol use in the fall of 2004, and then since from mid-December, 2004 to March 1, 2005 on a series of first Seroquel, then olanzapine, then Risperdal.
But I am not doing too badly, my sleep has been fine, my relations with other people are fine, it is just this intermittent worrying about my writing that is getting me a bit frustrated. One way I handle it is by turning off the computer and when I get a check-itis I will instead of checking the computer writing write what it is I need to check in a paper notebook and then I can forget about it until later.
I just checked the date of the July 1997 dancing sky vagina/lily of the valley/dove vision in my paper files and it was July 16 as I said above I thought it was. So either someone had hacked it to July 13, or I had mistakenly put in July 13 from incorrect memory without checking my paper files.
March 22, 2005: Some haloperidol last night helped a good bit but I still had a little check-itis and feeling of nervousness/agitation today. Also note that when I say the check-itis is wordless nagging, I think by one or more than one of my deities, that means it is a feeling of being driven. Even the smooth desire to edit my web pages from March 14 to late March 17 was a feeling of being slightly driven, but smoothly, and the intermittent check-itis is a feeling of being intermittently wordlessly nagged or driven.
Today I met with my psychiatrist and told him everything that has occurred since March 1, including my thought that I would have fewer mental health problems if I was near Sarah McLachlan, but also the initial insomnia and down and unease and tooth grinding followed by a lot of scenario-ization and hair twirling followed by a lot of check-itis (and more hair twirling) which has now lessened some. We then agreed that I would go back on some olanzapine to top up my lithium, my main drug for my bipolar mood disorder, and he gave me a four weeks supply of free samples of 10 mg olanzapine pills. He said rather than try anti-anxiety or anti-OCD pills that we should first try olanzapine. This is I think (but I didn't ask him) is partly because psychiatrists are reluctant to prescribe anti-anxiety pills such as Ativan since they are addictive, and partly since psychiatrists are reluctant to prescribe anti-OCD pills (which are antidepressants) to bipolar people since they may trigger a mania and even may trigger rapid cycling between mania and depression, and partly since I have had a good response to olanzapine in the past, and partly because he does not want me to use too much haloperidol. We agreed that we would meet again on April 4 to re-evaluate things. It could be that after four weeks on 10 mg/day olanzapine I will no longer get free samples and will drop to 5 mg a day but pay for it myself, and 5 mg/day for 30 days at my local pharmacist is C$137 so 10 mg/day is probably about C$250. It is not yet covered by the provincial government drug card for bipolar maintenance but he has put in a request that it so be covered, and it is approved by the Canadian federal government for such use. However I think I can now expect more weight gain while on the olanzapine since it increases the appetite and due to its chemical makeup encourages fluid retention, but I will try to minimize said weight gain by not eating seconds and by exercising more soon, but I do still plan to drink some beer during waning moon (I don't drink during waxing moon since I have had bad experiences with alcohol in the past during waxing moon, notably seven alcohol triggered or alcohol worsened waxing gibbous moon trials from the beginning of 1993 to July of 1997).
March 23, 2005: the olanzapine has reduced the check-itis and hair twirling some so far but not eliminated it completely yet. Today I was wordlessly nagged to remove mentions of soul on my essential messages and further, derived by me from the last page (and which is a subpage of the last page), essential messages. I know that the writing on those two and other subpages needs tidying but while I am having check-itis I am trying to stay off the computer as much as possible. If e.g. Sarah McLachlan wants me to edit them quickly she will have to ask me. As for soul, I will discuss my theories and sensings of it so far eventually on a new subpage of my deities and my other personal spiritual path working theories which I might title "avatars, soul, etc.", and note that I am not pushing that section my deities and my other personal spiritual path working theories but just my essential messages, which are non-religious.
March 23, 2005, nighttime: Above in the March 21 entry I said I have had two (maybe three) significant visions. In addition to the visions described above, I also consider my sun stare experience of Sept. 5, 1991 to be a significant vision, so that totals three or four significant visions, and none since summer 1997. Also when I said above I would more likely quickly edit my Salmon on the Thorns web page if I got a request from Sarah McLachlan to do so, that would be true to some extent for a request from anyone, not just her, and including Kofi Annan. Right now I have no signs that anyone is interested in my non-religious essential messages at all. Some may say well, if you tidy the writing you will get more interest, but I am not about to do such tidying very quickly without some feedback and interest from at least one other person. Also the check-itis leaves me full of worry at times and I do not want to be editing in such a state, but perhaps I will have to, though slowly, soon.
March 24, 2005: The olanzapine seems to have helped a good bit, though it is making me sleep a bit more, in that the scenario-ization is almost gone and the check-itis has diminished a lot. The check-itis that got me to turn on the computer just now was a worry that I had not put the bit about the fish symbol dancing on tail in dancing sky vagina or that it had been hacked out. When I checked it it was in so there was no need for the check-itis except perhaps to get me to turn on the computer. Also check-itis has not put me in a state of worry all the time but just intermittently and at times makes me feel as if I am on a leash, so I resist giving in to it. Another reason I resist giving in to it is that 9 out of 10 times when I do I find there is no need for a change, so it is just a nuisance. Also usually it is not in line with my planned edits. So usually rather than giving in to the check-itis I am writing it down on paper for later checking and am minimizing my time on the computer. If the olanzapine continues to reduce the check-itis then I may reverse my decision and get back to the planned edits but I will not today, and again would more quickly if I had some feedback. Also note that during the period when I had a smooth desire to edit my web pages I was not having intermittent check-itis and did not feel stressed when I was on the computer. Now, when I am on the computer, I am having even more intermittent check-itis than when I am off the computer and it makes me stressed so I am trying to minimize my time on the computer until the check-itis goes away, and that will slow my planned edits.
March 27, 2005: I did not come out of the low years at March 25 full moon.
April 4, 2005: While I was off the computer for a few days the check-itis diminished to near zero but today after I had my appointment with my psychiatrist it increased a bit again but is still not too strong.
Friday night, rhe night of April 1, from 12:15 a.m. to 12:30 a.m. (so early April 2 in 24 hour clock terms) Newoundland Standard Time I perked up to +1 on my scale of -10 to +10, where -2 to +2 is normal range.
A new theory, which I may add to my personal deities and related beliefs soon, is that: If all/everything is a someone it is ALL in exact match. Then if each of our wills as subset of ALL is also subset of ALL's will then each of our wills is in line with ALL's will which means simultaneous free will and submission. But that also means that ALL is responsible for all evil as well as all good.
On my main messages page I say I don't care what anyone believes as long as he or she is loving, or at least tries to be loving (above neutral) as much as possible within the constraints of life. I now recommend that viewpoint to others as well, i.e. that they also should not care what anyone believes as long as he or she is loving, or at least tries to be loving as much as possible within the constraints of life. I will edit my main messages page to reflect that soon.
I took a pack of cod out of the fridge freezer today and noted that the mass was 0.455 kg and the price was $5.51 so those are two more instances of 55. Again that number used to occur regularly for me, didn't for a few months, and now is again. Again 55 in Roman numerals is LV which I take to stand for LOVE. Then (now a bit later) I just dropped my cell phone and when I picked it up to see if it was OK, and it was, the time was 5:55 p.m.
April 6, 2005: The check-itis has diminished some and my sleep is fine though a bit long due to the olanzapine topup to my lithium.
I will also add to my message promoting allowance of birth control soon that those against birth control including against condoms for prevention of HIV Aids are causing many HIV deaths.
April 12, 2005: About three weeks ago I went on olanzapine again as a topup to my lithium. After two weeks it had reduced the check-itis a fair bit, indeed the day before my psychiatrist's appointment a week ago it was pretty well gone. I reported this to my psychiatrist and then after the appointment it came back, though not as strong as when I was not on the olanzapine, but still a nuisance.
I have said before that I consider the check-itis to be a wordless nagging from one or more than one of my deities. I now withdraw that, I do not know who is nagging me.
The check-itis has not been bad today but I do not want to edit my web pages much while I have it since with it I feel worried/anxious and I want to feel relaxed while editing my web pages. Also I am still hoping for feedback from at least one other human who wants me to do the edits listed in planned edits, though perhaps I will feel like doing those edits before that occurs, but I did not today (April 11, it is now a bit after midnight so it is now April 12 in 24 hr clock terms).
May 26, 2005: I am now down to 5 mg olanzapine topping up my main drug for my bipolar mood disorder, lithium. In the last while my mental health has been better than it has been since early 2003 when I was last on olanzapine before recently. I have just had some occasional insomnia on trying to go to sleep and occasional check-itis and I still do a bit of scenario-ization but not very much. But I still don't feel too motivated to get back at the planned edits but would be more likely to if I had some feedback.
Late the afternoon of May 7 I went for a 15 walk along the Waterford River near where I live in St. John's. As I was returning and crossing over the bridge I stopped in the middle of the bridge and sensed with my hands and breathed into the river. I expected I might get a finger warming or hand warming or warming between two fingers sensation. Instead I got a sensation of my balls swelling a bit. This was funny, particularly since this mystic web page is called Salmon on the Thorns. However I don't know (I will have to check) if this river has any salmon in it or when they spawn. More recently on the afternoon of May 25 I went for a walk there again, and as I was crossing the bridge I got a sensation of a stroke from my base chakra forward to the underside of my genitals. That time I was going out from home, not coming home, and I wasn't trying to sense anything.
So anyway my mental health is fairly good these days but I am still in a recharging mode and have not started looking for a job (or even volunteer job) in earnest yet, and have done very few edits recently to this web page.
May 31, 2005: I had an increase in check-itis from 1 p.m. on on May 29, subsiding some by 10 p.m., picking up a bit later and coinciding with some insomnia. May 30 I had less of this but now (after midnight so May 31 in 24 hour clock terms, I am getting a bit so I hope I don't have insomnia when I get off the computer). So on average my mental health lately has been as good as early 2003 but I still have some slightly bad days.
June 2, 2005: I forgot to mention that during the May 25 walk along the river a bicyclist pointed out to me an osprey. (Also note that the word weird can be wordplayed to weir-D, so a fish trap to catch D, where D is me.)
NOTE: As of June 2, 2005 I am now an atheist again as I was from I think late 1976 to mid-1991. I will edit this page more substantially to reflect this fact later. I am not pushing atheism on anyone else. I will continue to have some mystical/magickal working theories (which I will not push on anyone else, and which I will try to relate to science) but will not have any deities. I continue to push my main messages. Also in being atheist I am not saying that my former deities necessarily do not exist, just that I do not worship them any more. So for example the planet Earth may or may not be a someone and if it is a someone then my former deity Gaia exists but I no longer worship it.
Right now I have not touched this web page much in a while, and I do not plan to do the edits listed in planned edits until I have feedback from at least one other human who requests me to do some or all of the edits listed there.
June 4, 2005: Since I turned atheist my check-itis (wordless nagging, or worry, often about my past writing such that I have to check it) has diminished a lot.
Even if my former deities are proven to exist, I will not worship them. I will not submit my will to any other someone to the extent of worship (I don't want to grovel) so I will not worship my former deities, even if they are proven to exist, or any other someone. However I will have to think about things such as my explanation of my blue rose vision, in the past I have attributed it to the living planet Earth, Gaia. Perhaps I will still do that and will respect the Earth but not to the extent of worship. But then again I respect The Earth whether it is a someone or not, but again do not worship it any more; i.e. I do not bow before it to the extent of worship; there is respect but not intent to worship on my part.
But now what? Most of my magick, which I haven't been doing very much of recently, does not necessarily involve worship at all, though some has involved invocation, but I do not consider invocation a form of worship unless the one invoked is already among my deities or the invocation is accompanied by a significant mental bow, significant enough to mean worship, i.e. there is intent to worship. And by invocation I do not mean any saying out loud of a name, though such could, but never has yet for me, accompany the invocation, but a wordless thinking by me of another someone and a wordless poking by me of an invitation to participate at that other someone. This draws on my higher dimensional abilities. The invocation is an invitation from me to another someone to participate and does not confer deity status with respect to me on that other someone unless there is intent to worship on my part. So I could invoke the Christian God tomorrow (not saying whether it exists of not) without it becoming a deity to me, as I have invoked Jesus in the past to charge all Christian crosses through association of the crosses with Jesus without Jesus becoming a deity to me. To some, invocation implies prayer, but it does not to me, unless I bow mentally with intent to worship during the invocation, or unless the one invoked is already among my deities. Perhaps I should invent a new word other than invoke to avoid the confusion, but I thought that magickians regularly invoke someones that are not deities to them.
Now I say I am atheist since I have no deities, and that is one definition of atheist though there is a stronger one that an atheist believes that no deities to anyone exist, and I do not meet that definition. I do not know if if my former deities exist or not but even if they are proven to exist I will not worship them or any other someone. Also I believe in science and rational thought but also that there are things not yet explained by human science and which may never be explained by human science. I still have a fair bit of magical thinking though less than I did six months ago, so I consider myself an atheist mystic. Some may consider me an agnostic (one who does not care if deities exist) but I care a lot, but I will not worship any, I will not submit my will to any other someone to the extent of grovelling, the extent of worship, the extent of passing over complete control. Of course if I had a job with a boss I would on occasion have to take orders from the boss that would not just be advice, so I would have to submit my will to my boss to the extent of following that job related order (or I could quit the job) but not to the extent of worship submission.
June 8, 2005 (night of June 7): Since I turned atheist (I no longer have any deities; even if my former deities exist I do not worship them) on June 2 my mental health has steadied some, especially in a reduction of the check-itis. The check-itis was mostly a worrying by me about my recent writing such that I would have to check it, but I have in the past speculated that it was wordless nagging from one or more than one of my then deities. But anyway, right now I still feel pretty steady. The night of June 2, the day I turned atheist, I was slightly wobbly mentally but ever since then I have been quite steady mentally, including the diminished check-itis.
Today I had an appointment with my psychiatrist at 2 p.m. I told him that in addition to the 1500 mg lithium carbonate and 5 mg olanzapine daily that in the last three weeks I had used a total of 18 mg of haloperidol but had not needed any in the last few days and was steady today. I also told him I had gone atheist, and that apparently as a result my check-itis had diminished. I also told him that it seemed that alcohol (which I drink in moderation during waning moon and not at all during waxing moon due to 7 waxing gibbous moon alcohol triggered or alcohol worsened problem periods from 1993 to 1997) actually diminished the check-itis, but that did not cause me to drink more during the past waning moon than usual.
He told me the government still hadn't decided whether to pay for olanzapine for bipolar maintenance or not but there was a meeting in Halifax in June where it would probably be decided. For now he gave me a six week supply of 5 mg olanzapine free samples (which will save me about C$190, so I can give my sister a bit more for room and board) and told me I can double the dose if I feel a need to (to 10 mg). He was going to get me to come back in 3 weeks but he is away that week so rather than make it 4 weeks he said come back in 2 weeks. He gave me a new lithium carbonate prescription and a slip to get blood tests for lithium level, thyroid function and kidney function.
Since I am now atheist I have retitled the deities and beliefs section former deities and related beliefs and I comment in more detail on that on the main Salmon page just below the listing of former deities and related beliefs.
Some native American mystical traditions do not have a concept of deity or deities, I think.
June 13, 2005: The check-itis returned last night and today, even though I am still atheist (I have no deities).
June 14, 2005: The check-itis is still with me, but is not too bothersome, but I did take some extra meds (no extra lithium though) which my psychiatrist gives me free rein to do within limits. They (a bit of haloperidol and a bit of extra olanzapine) are helping some. Note also that while I have thought in the past that the check-itis was wordless nagging by one or more than one of my then deities, in the form of worry about my past writing such that I have to check it, it is not entirely wordless, sometimes there are low level words. But the source(s) does or do not identify itself or themselves, and the voices are not too bothersome or too frequent. I just thought I'd clarify that since I said it was entirely wordless. Also I am still atheist, and I do not know what or who the source(s) of the nagging is or are. Also my relations with other people are still fine, and my sleep is fine.
June 15, 2005: The above words/voices are non-auditory (do not appear to come through my ears but appear in my mind).
Today I resolved to quit following the check-itis and that lasted a while but I just followed it in some edits of concluding notes. But I will continue to resist the check-itis, which often does not result in edits when I follow it, as much as possible and indeed after I get off the computer in a few minutes I will avoid touching the computer again until at least tomorrow, and will write any good check-itis ideas in a notebook. But anyway, the check-itis is diminished today. It also could be that my Salmon on the Thorns web page and my funnel working are being evaluated at the moment by evaluators including my former deities, but I am skeptical of that.
June 21, 2005: For the last six days I have been quite steady with very little check-itis but I have been playing some at scenario-ization, which involves base chakra area muscle click divination of e.g. who is reading my writing or e.g. who is talking about me. Often with this I am relaxed and I am not trying to divine anything and I get a click (short period mulabandha, no clicking sound, not much sound at all) and I try to guess who is thinking of me, reading my writing, or talking about me, getting another click at the supposed right answer. But this is just play, I am not near to believing it. And again the check-itis is mostly worry about my past writing such that I have to check it, and I have had very little of that in the last six days. Indeed I feel mentally quite steady but I do not think I am out of the low years which began Jan. 29, 1996 yet.
June 22, 2005: A variant on the above scenario-ization is when I get signs that indicate (I think) that someone is mad at me. These consist of burning eyes (when there is nothing in my eyes) which I think indicate that a man is mad at me, or a throat chakra attack, which I think indicates that a woman is mad at me. I don't believe that for sure but it is a working theory. When I get either the burning eyes or throat chakra attack I then try to divine by base chakra area muscle click divination who is mad at me, or at least where he or she has seen my writing, and sometimes what religion he or she is in. I do not believe the results though. These signs that someone is mad at me have not been occurring as frequently lately as a while ago, I think since I haven't been posting as much to a wide variety of newsgroups.
Note that I have to be in pretty bad shape before my relations with other people offline are affected adversely, but my online writings may show how I am doing inside better than my relations with other people offline. That is, offline I can keep a lot to myself, but I tend to let it out online. But in my very worst episodes of 1991 to 1997 my relations with other people offline were definitely affected. However I have not come close to landing in the hospital since July 1997 and I have not been in the hospital since early July 1996. This I attribute to my being on enough lithium, not drinking during waxing moon since mid-July, 1997, and having on hand some emergency haloperidol to take if needed, and being on olanzapine some of those years.
Now I did have one waning moon mildly psychotic period (unusual for me since most of my psychotic periods have been waxing moon) I think in November or December of 2003, in which I said online there were black magickians in all religions, but it was not triggered by alcohol and when I drank some during it, it was not worsened by alcohol, so I stayed with my practice of not drinking during waxing moon and drinking in moderation (especially now that I am poor) during waning moon. That late 2003 episode was about the worst I have been since July 1997 and is unlikely to recur now that I am taking 5 mg olanzapine on top of my lithium. Also even during it my relations with other people offline were not too bad.
Sometimes however when drunk during waning moon I would blurt out stuff I normally would only say online, such as matchmaking (which I don't do anymore and probably never had accuracy in), but that didn't affect my relations with others offline too much. Also the alcohol wasn't in that case causing any new mental health problems during waning moon but was just loosening my tongue.
July 7, 2005: My mental health has been steady the last two weeks with only a bit of check-itis (including some today) and some scenario-ization and so far in the last 15 days need for only 1 mg of haloperidol (today). Without the check-itis today though I would not have edited this web page today.
July 18, 2006: The past year has been mostly uneventful. I have remained on olanzapine and lithium. For a while I still attempted to get flow in the funnel working but a while ago I gave up on that, and also gave up on even playing at base chakra area muscle click divination. I also resolved to stick to my limit of four pints in a night during waning moon and zero pints during waxing moon. I still occasionally get some check-itis but it is quite mild, and I haven't had any scenario-ization since I gave up even playing at base chakra area muscle click divination. I didn't receive any requests to edit this web page but after a break of a year figured I should start gradually editing it again. Though I feel sharp and capable of working I haven't had any chances at work yet, but that is partly because I haven't sent out any CVs yet, though I have clipped some job ads. But I think my low years are not yet over, though they are made manageable by the lithium and olanzapine.
Sept. 5, 2006: My mental health has been steady lately. Tonight I removed sections on deities and related beliefs (since I am now an atheist) and on the four orientation theory (which I have little evidence for) and some other sections as noted in changelog. I made some minor edits (necessitated by the missing sections) to my main messages but I plan to tidy that section up some more at a later date. I also edited summary of key features of my cycles some but may edit it further at a later date.
Jan. 15, 2008: This is my first entry in over a year but I plan to make more changes in the near future. My mental health has been good in the last year but I am still uncreative so I think I am still in the low years, which should have lasted seven years but are almost at twelve years now (they will be on Jan. 29). I think I have had to go longer since I have had access to modern medications which have made the intensity of the low years less. But I hope the meds don't block my release from the low years. In any case I don't plan to come off the meds (lithium and olanzapine). I feel capable of working these days and indeed am working a few hours a month doing proofreading for a prof. Despite my good mental health I am still claiming similarity to some past religious figures but I may soften such claims a bit in future edits pending my finding more evidence in the library and on the net and pending my release from the low years into a more creative and productive period.
Feb. 14, 2008: In the last while I have given up all magickal activities including even playing at base chakra area muscle click divination, attempting to get flow from the funnel working, attempted healings, blessings on the dead, musical boosting and venue charging, and invocations of dead songwriters to attend performance of their songs, and more (e.g. marriage renewal). Of those only the first had the potential to destabilize me, if I stopped playing and started believing it again, but I used to waste a lot of time at the second one too. The others were fairly harmless but I will still abstain from them at least until I come out of the low years.
Two weeks ago I noticed a floater like a small dark moth in my left eye vision, a good bit left of centre in that eye. I consulted an optometrist who had earlier warned me of the possibility of such floaters, caused by debris coming off the retina, partly due to my thin retina, related to my strong nearsightedness. He found a traction fold on my retina. This might not be a problem if fluid doesn't get under it but would be otherwise. He referred me to an opthamologist who may choose to zap my retina with a laser to seal off the problem. I doubt that this is related at all to my sun stare of 1991. I still haven't received word of an appointment with the opthamologist but expect to soon.
I still claim to be similar to some past religious figures but for now am putting this claim on the back burner pending more library and web research by me and pending my coming out of the low years into a period of productivity and creativity. This coming out of the low years I liken to Finn finding the salmon of wisdom, Taliesin reaching seven score muses (lunar months) after his first high, Buddha finding enlightenment, Amergin transforming from ugly to handsome, and Jesus being transfigured. Without this coming out of the low years I don't have enough evidence to back my claim of my similarity to some past religious figures.
October 1, 2008: I edited Jewish parallels to put in the fact that Moses's bush was a thorn bush and thus was a direct parallel to my thorn hill climb and to Jesus's crown of thorns. I also emphasized that the burning in the bush could have been a glowing blue rose like my blue rose vision.
My mood, energy and sleep have been fine lately and I haven't been gaining more weight despite not much exercise and some beer consumption during waning moon. I am still on lithium and olanzapine. I don't think I am out of the low years yet but hope to come out of them into a period of creativity soon.